02/03/17 Self Cherishing Thoughts

I am feeling a lot of stuff deep in my psyche starting to bubble up to the surface. I feel like there is something heavy and solid in my chest. My body is unbelievably hot right now. I slept with one blanket halfway on and no socks. Normally, I need to wear two heavy blankets, a jacket, and heavy socks. I am watching self-cherishing thoughts arise one after another and anger too. I am noticing that these self-cherishing thoughts arise whenever this suppressed feeling or thought starts to ascend to the surface. I get distracted by the self-cherishing thoughts and lose my grip on the suppressed feeling. I think to know what it is I have to really do a lot of letting go and not engaging in any distractions.

I am being really careful not to label the self-cherishing as bad, since beating self with a stick only makes it stronger. I am being careful not to associate the thoughts that are arising with the suppressed emotion or thought or else I am not objective enough to see it as it is. I am having really hard time being patient and allowing the supressed thought to arise in its own time. I really just want to grab a shovel and dig it out. I have learned in the past that negative thoughts I have aversion to often conceal a much more reasonable, suppressed thought. Like dirt covering a painting. Since I believe the suppressed thought will be better than the self-cherishing thoughts covering it, I am having a hard time being patient while waiting for it to arise.

Later in Day

I feel swirly. I feel like karmic seeds are ripening and coming to the surface. I feel swirly because the old energy needs to be flushed out. I am starting to suspect that I know what this suppressed emotion is. Perhaps, suppressed wasn’t the right word all along. Perhaps, latent is the right word. I am feeling this drive rising to the surface. “Why are we messing around?” I feel this desire arising—let’s go! No more wasting time let’s get renunciation, let’s do our purification, let’s practice to dedicate the merit to all sentient beings. I want to be the last person to be enlightened. I want to give my merit to everyone so that they can become enlightened. I want to eliminate all obstacles in the way to helping all others. To all my mothers. I have the faith. I have the time. I understand what needs to be done. I have eliminated all obstacles to understanding why I should walk the Budhist path. I feel like the only thing holding me back is a teacher’s blessing. I think I will request to talk to Venerable Namgyle and tell him my desire and make sure I am headed the right direction. Then, I will just take off. I will just get the job done.

I feel awkward. I feel like I should focus in. Focus on my practice. Volunteer to work at Root to save money and then get work done, but I have already booked my train ticket with Alec. The train was only 350 rupees. I don’t know. Maybe, I should second guess my plan to travel. I feel at home here and traveling will restrict me from getting work done. I guess I have thinking to do.

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