I am feeling pretty messed up right now. Super moon=super period. Plus my lungs feel funny again. I used more blessed sands on my chest hopefully that helps. During meditation this morning, I saw how my actions and thoughts that I have judged as bad come from my past. I saw how the mind is a continuation even though it appears random to me when a old thought reappears in my mind. I noticed that there is often a condition that causes that old mindset to ripen. For example, people who have anger towards his or her mother for something that mother used to do, when they are put in a similar environment react negatively. Bystanders are shocked at his or her reaction. It wasn’t that big of a deal. Why did you react that way? Then that person realizes there were just triggered by the situation—it took them back to his or her old mindset. I saw in my meditation that it is like this for all thoughts, virtuous and non-virtuous if you take into account previous lives. I accepted that I am not in control of what arises. I look forward to doing purification.
I noticed this was true for others too. It didn’t make sense to judge others based on his or her thoughts. They have as little control as I do. You also can think of this in a secular approach. Everyone comes from different back grounds, had different teachers, and experienced different events. People are seeing the world through the filter of his or her past and they can’t change that—not immediately.
This phenomena I am describing is karma isn’t it, but karma is more than just your thoughts recurring. Karma is the controller of our experience and we are just the witness. The only power we have is to purify our karma and stop creating bad karma. Karma also controls our physical form. I had to accept my physical ailments just as karma. I had to accept I am powerless and accept the past self that caused this ailment. I am thankful to the previous selves that caused me to have good health. I guess I can’t judge others’ bodies either.
Actions occur when we grasp to our thoughts—when we get attached. Your tendency to get attached is related to whether or not you had that tendency in the past as well. You see—we really have very little control at all. Is there anything that can’t be accepted.
The hard part for me is accepting that these thoughts will arise again. I do not want to experience these hardships all over again. I want to be free. I have to do purification there is no other way out of this. I have this fear that if I accept these thoughts or habituations then I will do non-virtuous actions in the future. I fear I will get lazy or think it doesn’t matter. I still believe the key to motivating myself is by beating myself even though it has never worked in the past. I fear completely letting go of the beating stick. Have I ever been motivated without it? I have been motivated by love before. I have been motivated to do things simply because I cared. I have been motivated to do things because they were enjoyable to do. Have I ever been motivated by a beating stick? I have pushed myself to get to a class I didn’t want to go to and things like that. I guess with a beating stick I have motivated myself to get started, but not sustained motivated to the end. I would get burned out. Have I ever successfully managed to stop negative karma from arising with a beating stick? No.
When negative karma arises all you can do is let go. If you let go, you don’t create the cause for that suffering to happen again in the future. Have I ever been able to let go while beating myself with a stick? No. I just learned in my class that the Medicine Buddha practice ripens good karmic imprints as well as creates new ones. This means if I do not have the good karmic imprints I will not be cured. Once again, I am at the mercy of karma. All I can do is help my future lives. I don’t have the power to control this one. I really don’t want to accept this. I don’t want to accept that I do not have control. I always liked the idea of seeing through reality and manipulating conventional reality. I am starting to see that I am not fully able to do this until I have direct perception of reality, but even then it won’t be very helpful. If I have direct perception of reality, what desire would I have to toy with reality? I will be in bliss. I won’t need to play to be happy. Toying with reality to help others is a mute point as well, because it will still depend on his or her karma. I would only be able to hook them if they can reach out. I guess there is no magic that can cure suffering.
I guess I really just have to let go. Let go of my past, present, and future suffering. In the same way, I can’t get attached to the past, present, and future pleasure, because it cannot last. I can’t get attached to Buddha nature, because there is nothing to grab. I can’t get attached to self, because it is created by causes and conditions and will be influenced by causes and conditions.
The teacher, during our last class, distinguished guilt from regret. He said guilt involves the self. When we feel guilty, we confuse the behavior with self and think we are a bad person. With regret, we acknowledge the action was bad and never want to do it again. I think in the West we have a tendency to feel guilty. The guilt feels horrible, so we end up telling ourselves the action was OK and justify it to make ourselves feel better. In this way, we never actually make it to regret.
I have a crazy idea. I don’t think anyone would ever suggest this idea to me. The Shakyamuni Buddha said that we have 84,000 delusions. I am not sure if it is written down in a list; but if it is, I would like to go through it. I would put them in order of easiest to hardest to purify and tackle them in groups or singles. It would be an interesting experiment. I am not sure it would be beneficial, but worth an experiment.