This morning was a really funny morning. I had sexy dreams last night and when I woke up I was completely hooked by the thought of foreplay. I primarily was attracted to being admired by a man. I skipped morning meditation and fantasized instead. Then, I went to the second class very begrudgingly. I did not know how I was going to meditate, but I decided to do what I could. Before we start the visualization, we first start with prayers. In one of the prayers, we imagine a mountain of all the things that we like and offer them to the Buddhas. I imagined a mountain filled with sexy men and offered them to the Medicine Buddha. The sexy men were adoring him, stroking his cheek, and telling him how beautiful he was. They were massaging his feet, hands, and arms. One was holding an umbrella to shade him from the sun and few others were fanning him with fans made from peacock feathers. Then, I thought if the Medicine Buddha isn’t gay this is going to be a little awkward for him, but then I remembered the Buddhas have equanimity so it’s all good. It is a funny story, but it really was very effective at helping me let go.
After a day of meditation, my mind has become really clear. I have a sense of a lot of space and right now I am grasping at the space rather than the noise. I hope this remains until death. I have been purifying negative thoughts and vowing that if I notice them about to arise then I will purify the tendency immediately. Nothing fancy, just something quick with the four opponent powers. The powers being refuge, regret, purifying visualization, and vow to change the behavior. Before, it was too hard to vow to change a thought, but now I have found vowing to purify immediately when a negative thought arises works very well. Instead of vowing to stop thoughts from arising at all, I have the intention to shave layers off of the karmic imprints. I vowed to eliminate the loud thoughts first and then move to more and more subtle thoughts. I named specifically which kind of thoughts. I chose thoughts to harm others, thoughts to lie, and thoughts to use harsh speech. For example, I vowed not to day dream about using harsh speech and to notice the thoughts leading up to that point. I found this works very well. I hope this motivation remains until enlightenment.
I had an insight into the fragility of my body. I finished doing an emptiness meditation with the class and looked in the mirror while brushing my teeth. I asked is this me? Am I my shape and color?Then, I watched as the image in the mirror turned into a corpse. I realized that without my mind my body is a corpse. I realized that my body is a corpse right now. This means it would be so easy to die. To let go of the body. The mind is changing from moment to moment. So, I cannot be my mind either. Is it correct to say that I am the space in my mind?