Do I Deserve to Heal?

Something came up during meditation today. When doing the Medicine Buddha visualization, we were instructed to have the Buddha nectar to flow into the parts of us that are sick. I have been having lymph node problems for quite a while now. I had the Buddha nectar flow into them and I stopped feeling the sensation of the swelling. In fact, I noticed after the meditation that they did decrease in size. However, during the meditation, I noticed the problem would come back. The sick area would appear again in the meditation. Upon examining why, I realized that I had guilt. I felt like I couldn’t heal the negative karma, because I didn’t make amends with the person I harmed. I told the teacher this during the Q and A session and he said that I need to forgive myself. He said that I can’t go asking forgiveness from everyone.

I started to think what would I need to do to forgive myself. At first, I thought I will forgive myself when my behavior has started to change, but then I thought maybe this isn’t the right approach. It certainly doesn’t seem compassionate. I couldn’t imagine telling someone who wanted forgiveness that I’ll forgive them when they … If I want to be compassionate to others, I need to be gentle with myself. Maybe, I can brainstorm every reason why I don’t forgive myself.

  • I haven’t done anything to deserve it.
  • I might do it again.
  • I haven’t learned my lesson yet.
  • I’m not ready to let go of that behavior.
  • I am afraid that forgiving myself will result in me doing whatever immoral thing I want.
  • It is not fair to the person(s) I have harmed
  • Why should I forgive myself if they won’t
  • Forgiving myself won’t help them.
  • I am not worthy.
  • I need approval to be loved.
  • In order to forgive myself, I first have to feel great shame

Wow, I feel like the last one really hit home. Now, I will pretend I am the person who was hurt and forgiving the person. I will respond to them saying the thoughts above to me. Let’s say the person said something hurtful. They said that I was stupid, prone to anger(emotional), and not human(a monster or bad animal).

  • You don’t need to do anything. Being sorry is enough. You aren’t hurting me now.
  • That’s OK, I still love you. Thank you for trying. I appreciate the effort and understand your struggle.
  • You will. This won’t last forever.
  • Of course not. If your were ready to let go, you wouldn’t be afraid of doing it again. That fear is a good thing. It will help you from doing it again.
  • If you are afraid of being immoral, your not going to be immoral. You care too much.
  • Who cares about fair. Shit happens. I want your friendship, not to be business partners with you.
  • If they don’t forgive you, then they are a shitty person completely captivated by anger. It is not a reflection on you. Someone with good qualities will always forgive. Someone with negative qualities never will.
  • Not forgiving yourself definitely won’t help them either. If anything, not forgiving yourself will cause you to do these things again.
  • Everyone is worthy of forgiveness. Who wouldn’t be worthy?
  • Love can’t be earn just given. Someone with good qualities loves. Someone with bad qualities hates. If you love yourself, that is a good quality—that is still love.
  • I don’t want you to feel anything bad anymore. I don’t want to tie you down. I want you to be free. Forgiving yourself will be helpful in changing your character, besides you have beaten yourself up enough already. You need shame to do that.

I feel a little better. I guess I can forgive myself for what I have done so far, but what about what I will do. Can I forgive myself for what I will do? For the sake of protecting this person’s identity, I will call this person in my life Rick. I have a person named Rick who I cannot give loans to. Whenever I give him money, he ends up keeping it. I have had to accept that Rick cannot return money no matter how badly he wants to. When I give Rick a loan, in my mind, I give the money as a gift. I accept that Rick will probably take my money again without returning it before he even does it. I guess this is easier when you can predict what he will do. I guess, in a way, I can predict what I will do. I understand from my meditations where I tend to negativity versus positivity. I know that in certain instances I am more likely to do bad things than others. I know that my negative thoughts may manifest as action. I have no reason to surprise myself except by thinking that I am better developed than I am. Perhaps, I need to get rid of my standards. GTG

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