I REALLY Have Nothing to Write

I really feel like I have nothing to write. I am about to start a silent retreat, so I am sure that plenty will come up during this time. I figured I would try writing something because often when I sit down thinking I have nothing to write I realize I have a lot to write about; however, today, I REALLY feel like I have nothing to write.
I had an insight during my discussion group today. I have experienced in the past a kind of burn out when practicing cherishing others. I realized today that sometimes I am practicing out of guilt. Sometimes, I practice cherishing others out of guilt because I believe self-cherishing is bad. Oh, my samsaric desire to eat cookies is bad, so I should give to others instead. I shouldn’t be selfish—I want to become a Bodhisattva and a Bodhisattva would give. I realized giving out of guilt of being a bad person is not generosity. Generosity comes from love. This ironically means that I need to do more selfish actions. If I regret doing virtuous actions, then eventually I will stop doing them. I believe in order to cultivate virtuous behavior and an others-cherishing mindset I need to stop doing anything out of guilt as this ultimately is self-cherishing. I think this will be difficult for my ego at first because I will want to look better than what I am, but I think it will bring me closer to my goal of Bodhichitta faster.
I am writing this as I am sitting next to a door. My arm was slightly in the way of the door and people kept coming in and out. I found myself getting angry, “Why do these people need to keep coming in and out?” I didn’t want to scoot over because there are shoes in the way. I finally scooted over and realized the shoes aren’t as big of an obstruction as I thought. Now my arm has enough room, so I don’t have to worry about the door.
I am guessing not doing kind acts out of guilt means that I will be able to work more closer with attachment. It makes sense that if I am engaging with my desires more than I will feel more attachment. Hopefully, I will realize attachment makes me unhappy and naturally start being concerned for others.
I currently have mosquitoes buzzing around me. I find my self tensing up in attachment to my body. I don’t want to share. I have no idea where my mind is going to head next on this journey. I hope I will become more others-cherishing. I hope that if I am more honest with myself about what I am currently capable of it will lead to developing faster. I theorize that allowing myself to engage in self-cherishing will cause me to realize I hate it, but I have no idea. All I know is that I can only go at my own pace.

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