My meditations are going so deep right now I am not even sure how to talk about them. I have been noticing a lot of elements of karma and self coming into play. I am watching myself get frustrated at realizing what I want to be self is not self—it is karma. I would really like it to be myself so then I would have control over it. Karma is a two sided sword. On one hand, karma lets you off the hook when you are not good at something(You are not bad or dumb. You just need to develop karmic imprints); on the other hand, you can’t take control and make yourself be good at something if you don’t have the karmic imprints. This means if I want to be happy I can not get it through achievement. I can only be happy by letting go.
This is really confronting my pride and desire for reputation and praise. It is strange. We are doing a Medicine Buddha retreat. I do not have Tantric initiation, but I was told it was OK to participate if I visualize the Medicine Buddha above my head instead of visualizing myself as Medicine Buddha. Even so, insights are cutting much more deeply. It is really strange because with the lamrim I start with my most obvious, gross delusions and then look underneath. I uncover the problem in layers; digging more and more deeply. With this retreat, I am starting with the most subtle and watching them manifest in more gross forms. I am working inside out instead of outside in. I really am developing a lot of faith in Tantra as being a fast path to enlightenment. I am a little intimidated to be honest. I think I wouldn’t want to practice something so powerful without first completing a lot of purification.
I used to think that my mind created what I experienced(like when I watched my arm form in an earlier blog), but now I think that I am simply an experiencer of Karma. I have the ability to create new karma and purify old karma, but I am not in complete control of my experience. This is why I need omniscience. Then I will know what everyone’s karma is and how to help. This really draws a lot into question.
I have heard before that even karma isn’t inherently existent. This must be true since I create my karma. Karma, however, is starting to look really solid. It is strange my lymph nodes are healing; in fact, I’m not sure a doctor would notice any problem. It is strange because the choices you make can influence what karma ripens. If I choose to have anxiety about my lymph nodes, I may constantly rub them to see if they are getting better and ironically aggravate them in the process. It seems that part of good karma arising is letting go. This shows a really intricate connection with the mind. What mental state I am currently in effects what karma arises.
How does manifestation work? Negative mental states block what karma arises. By believing something is a certain way, we block the karma that can change the scenario? This can’t be because when you become enlightened you cut the root of samsara. That root being ignorance. Doesn’t that mean the rest of the cycle is cut too? Are you free because you have acquired so much good karma, or are you free because you eliminated karma? Maybe neither? This stuff is above my pay grade.