Refuge Feels Good

1/2/18
I feel really great. I’m not used to feeling this good, but I really like it. I think there is no reason for this to leave. I worry a little that I feel so great primarily because I am in such a holy place surrounded by so many holy gurus, but I don’t think it is entirely that. I also feel like I am embedding this into my being. I don’t feel like I am just on a high right now. notes. Prostrations appear to me to rely a lot on faith. I forget what faith is an antidote to. It would be good to know.
I feel this kind of ease with Dharma practice now and even my fear of reincarnating in the hell realms have appeared to have died down. Not that I think I will get a good rebirth, but now I feel like I am able to practice Dharma and never waste a precious moment of this human rebirth. Being able to clearly see the difference between practicing for reputation and practicing for enlightenment has cleared up soooo much anxiety. I don’t have to be enlightened. I don’t have to be anything. I am just happy I am now on the path. I feel the ease that comes from faith in Dharma practice. I am so happy to be out here. I am so happy I have the opportunity to practice Dharma. I don’t feel anxiety, nor do I get over-whelmed when thinking about practice. Everything looks like a precious opportunity now and I don’t need to be good at any of it. Being good at Dharma doesn’t help you practice Dharma. Dharma practice is simply a mindset.
I think what I am experiencing is refuge in Buddha and Dharma. I am starting to open up to the idea of Sangha also. I think the self reassurance and the lack of need to be something important—the lack of need for reputation, praise, and pride—comes from Guru devotion/ refuge in Buddha. The happiness to face hardship I believe comes from refuge in Dharma. May I never be without these refuges.
Today, I have found moments where without effort I naturally reflected on the emptiness of certain events. I am not sure what caused this to arise. It is almost like I have a new definition of normal or happy and when my mind leaves this relaxed state I just kind of go Oh and start to notice the delusion arising. I am not even trying to prove to myself that I am having a delusional thought I just let myself see them as they are. Soon, I will have to face the anger I have felt towards Nepal. Soon, it will be time to face my long-time habit of desiring control.
Today, I learned another beautiful lesson from the young man I am attached to. I have been learning a lot from him lately…maybe he is Buddha. I learned to acknowledge people as human. I learned in India and Nepal that when someone is begging, or scamming you, or has a bad intention you can get rid of them quickly by waiving your hand a certain way and not looking at them. Doing this, many of us trying to practice Dharma feel turmoil. We desire to help, but are trying to pinch our pennies so that we can have the opportunity to practice in such holy places as long as possible. We learn that generosity is good, but there are simply too many beggars to help. Too many beggars that genuinely have hard lives. I had learned a tactic that I can use to stay out of harms way, but I couldn’t correlate it to my Dharma practice.
Today, a boy tried selling us face masks. We already have some. The young man I am attached to simply talked to the boy. He asked him if he was in school and what his favorite subject was. Instead of offering the boy his money he offered the boy his I feel like a layer of delusions have peeled away. I feel so much better without those delusions. It is really encouraging. I really feel like I am starting down the right path. I feel like my theories of guru devotion were correct. I feel like the tenderness I give myself enables me to be mindful enough not to intentionally create more negative karma. I feel like I can clearly see the difference between Dharma and worldly dharma/concerns and I see no reason why I would return to my old way of thinking. I feel like now, for the first time, I can practice Dharma.
I look forward to my future obstacles, but I need more knowledge. I think I will begin exploring what I need to learn; maybe, I will sign up for a course that covers everything. I have heard of these long courses for a year or multiple years that cover everything there is to know. Maybe, what I need now is knowledge.
I am not sure where Samantha plays into all of this. I also have no idea where prostrations play into this or why we do them. We were taught that we need to understand the reasons why we practice the antidotes to different delusions. I remember being taught this in the November course, but I didn’t pay attention. Maybe, I can review my time. I saw such sadness in the boys eyes and knew his life must be hard. The boy latched onto the kindness the group gave him and ended up following us to a temple. We couldn’t offer the boy money, but we could offer him love. The boy lost interest in the money.

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